Written by Claire Jong
Artwork by June Jeong
Red flags have become more frequently discussed on social media these days. From humorous physical attributes of red flags such as “being under six-foot” or “being a Scorpio” to more psychologically complex signs of manipulation and mistrust, red flags in relationships vary between each individual and circumstance. Looking at the world through red-tinted sunglasses, you can easily fall into the traps of new relationships; psychological manipulation, hallucinatory fantasies and phenomena, and disguised abuse. Although love is a blessing, it doesn’t hurt to be a bit more cautious. Here is a list of frequently observed psychological phenomena at the beginning of relationships to look out for, to ultimately help you strengthen your relationships and maintain a healthy mentality.
Breadcrumbing
Think back to the fairytale of Hansel and Gretel. The two main characters leave a trail of breadcrumbs as they try to find their way back home, only to lead themselves to their own doom at the witch’s house. This is the same concept. Like the old story, breadcrumbing is a colloquial term for leading someone on through occasional messages, but never being fully committed or willing to develop the relationship further. This can be deliberate due to the desire and greed to gain attention and boost their own self-esteem, but it can also be an unconscious behavior that arises from mere fear of commitment. Either way, it is still very misleading and manipulative. As a breadcrumbee on the receiving end of this ambiguous walkie-talkie conversation, it can be confusing and difficult to know the other’s intentions. As the breadcrumber’s loving words feed into your fantasies, you become the only one continuously pouring water on the flower and putting effort into materializing the relationship. Eventually, you are bound to become tired and hurt by the rollercoaster and tumultuous nature of the relationship, and the lack of earnest and thoughtful reciprocation.
The few infatuating messages now and then can blind you from identifying the signs of breadcrumbing: sending ambiguous and noncommittal messages, avoiding making plans in person, having shallow and generic conversations, throwing breadcrumbs through different social media channels, and they make it feel like the problem of the relationship is your fault (when it isn’t). It is important to recognize the signs before the relationship is even established - either romantic or platonic.
The 3-month rule
When it comes to the 3-month rule in relationships, it can refer to a variety of different concepts. Here, I am referencing the 3-month rule of knowing someone before you can start considering long-term possibilities with them. Whether it be when you know someone for the first time before getting into an official relationship, or it is the first 3 months of your relationship, the 3-month rule can apply to the process of getting to know a new person entering your life for the first time.
The first three months are deceiving, especially if it is someone you like. As a common adage in South Korean culture, people say you are “콩깍지에 씌었다”, or in other words, blinded by love. Lost in the illusions and projections of your fantasies, the other person’s flaws don’t come anywhere near your sight; this can even make you lose sight of their potential breadcrumbing as explained above. Therefore, many people have come to a general consensus that at least three months is needed to strip away all the layers and truly know what the other person is like - not only because of your clouds of romances fogging your view, but also because of the facade the other may put on for manipulation and deceit, or just for the sake of first impressions. Even your closest friends right now differ from your first impressions of them, right?
Love bombing
Lastly, love bombing can be seen as the complete opposite manipulation tactic of breadcrumbing, yet with a similar goal and motive. Love bombing is when one partner showers the other with excessive love and attention at the beginning of the relationship in order to gain the upper hand and make the other completely dependent on them. As Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, puts it, it is like ordering a cheesecake at a restaurant. Ordering more than one cheesecake every once in a while as a treat is fine; however, ordering two or three every day can be detrimental to your health. Likewise, your partner can excessively show grand gestures and contact you every day to create the illusion that they are the perfect lover. Innocent and genuine sweet romance can be hard to distinguish from this manipulative, narcissistic behavior. Some signs of love bombing can include excessive attention and flattery, forcing isolation from your friends and family, and constant over-the-top gifts. Being love-bombed can make you lose a sense of yourself, so it is crucial not to get too attached and depend all of your happiness on one person before you even get to properly know them.
Relationships and human connections are crucial parts of life, and finding the right ones is just as important. Choosing to use your heart for love is better than not using it at all, but make sure to look out for these red flags before diving head-first into your fantasies. Take off your red sunglasses and try to enjoy the world without them more.
Works Cited
Dating? Be aware of the ’3-month rule’. (2014). Cnn.com. http://edition.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/11/03/tf.three.month.dating.rule/index.html
What Is “Love Bombing”? (Published 2022). (2023). The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/10/style/love-bombing.html
Breadcrumbing. (2022). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/breadcrumbing
Uniacke, K. (2022, May 30). Aconsciousrethink.com. https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/10382/breadcrumbing/
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