Written by: Lin Chiang
Artwork by: Uee Jung
Who are people pleasers? According to the definition from Merriam-Webster, a people pleaser is often “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”. Perhaps, you may believe you’re an altruistic person; however, what many people fail to acknowledge, is the difference between genuinely being nice, and being nice because you feel the necessity to always put others’ perceptions and feelings of you ahead of what is truly beneficial to you. Kindness should be regarded as a valuable asset to society, but being “overly nice” to earn others’ validation, is not only ironically contradicting the fundamental principles behind being nice, but it can also bring permanent detriments to your well-being.
You may have heard of these wise phrases “treat others how you want to be treated” and “always be there for your friends”. These phrases are typically spoken to younger children to aid their growth as individuals who bring benevolence and compassion to others around them. However, to what extent should we prioritize kindness?
Kemi Sogunle, a multi-award-winning author, once said, “Kindness carries no price tag neither does it require making a purchase.” As she claims, being considerate to others does not have a cost, and even the smallest act of kindness has the ability to prevent one from ending their life. However, there isn’t an obligatory need to express kindness— it is completely up to you. Nevertheless, any acts of friendliness that do not directly come from your heart, do not have a purpose. For instance, a common characteristic found in a people pleaser is the fear of saying “no”. These individuals worry about others’ rejection and disapproval of them, leading them to eventually lose their true selves. They are often blinded by others’ opinions towards them, they start to rely on others’ words instead of their own. This unhealthy cycle can not only devastate your mental health but as Amy Morin, the editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind says, “if you spend all day worrying about everyone else’s problems you may not have enough mental energy left to focus on achieving your goals,” conveying the influence in your future as well. Moreover, people pleasers are often taken advantage of by the words of manipulators, who may even impact one’s physical and financial state as well.
In all, kindness should be prioritized to an extent it does not damage yourself in any way. It is essential to remember to not fall into the hooks of these manipulators, and always acknowledge what values are most important to you. For all the people-pleasers: instead of sacrificing your well-being to these devious manipulators, rather, spend more time finding people who truly want the best for you and will stay beside you even in your lowest.
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