Written by: Crystal Gong
Artwork by: Juwon Jeong
Whether it be a family member or a pet, losing a loved one is something almost no one is ready for. Oftentimes, no amount of mental preparation or rumination can ever accurately capture the waves of despair, anger, and futility that follow. However, you’re not alone, and you never will be. With the right mindset and perspective, you can take an experience with grief and turn it into something powerful.
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What is grief?
While grief is typically conceptualized as a reaction to death, the concept of grief is labeled as the natural emotional reaction to loss at its most fundamental and raw form. Though universal, individual experiences of grief are often subjective, vary, and are processed in a myriad of different ways depending on the nature of the loss.
Grief is a large umbrella term, encompassing everything from job loss to the death of a loved one. Whereas some may experience grief as a small aching in their chest, others may find themselves feeling numb and removed from their daily lives, feeling unable to carry out regular duties while the extreme sense of loss weighs down on them. This blog will be focusing on the latter, which is often traumatic and debilitating.
The 5 stages of grief
Before introducing the growth mindset associated with grief, it is important to understand the process. Developed in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, the Five Stages of Grief model states that those experiencing persistent and traumatic grief will cycle through a series of five stages:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Denial in Stage 1 often manifests itself in individuals through actions that attempt to distract them from the traumatic experience or deny its existence, such as avoidance, procrastination, suppressed memory, mindless behaviors, and overworking. Internally, individuals report feeling shocked, numbness, confusion, or a complete shutdown of emotions.
Stage 2 is anger, which can appear through extreme pessimism, cynicism, sarcasm, or irritability. It often takes a toll on one’s mental health, causing them to turn to physical escapes, such as alcohol and addictive drugs. In this stage, individuals enduring intense grief have reported feeling frustrated, impatience, rage, and even embarrassed.
Bargaining is Stage 3, in which an individual may be ruminating on the past or future, predicting the future and assuming the worst, being overly judgemental, or comparing themselves to others. In this stage, the individual essentially believes they could have prevented the situation, should they have done anything differently. Emotions associated with this stage include guilt, shame, self-blame, or insecurity.
Stage 4 is a period of depression, which is often where most people in society going through grief tend to spiral in. It is associated with sleep and appetite changes, reduced energy and social interest, and increased alcohol or harmful drug use. In this depressive spiral, it is not out of the ordinary to feel extreme sadness, despair, helplessness, or disappointment. The days may all go by in a blur, while reality and imagination begin to overlap. 10 days could feel like 2, and vice versa. This is the most difficult to get out of, and many go the rest of their lives without reaching the final stage: acceptance.
Stage 5: accepting the unacceptable
The fifth and final stage of Kubler-Ross’s model is acceptance. This is the stage most people experiencing grief wish to reach; the rest tend to find comfort in their depression, remaining tethered to the loss that brought them there in the first place.
Regardless of whether an individual wish to reach this stage or not, it is important that this stage is reached in order to achieve a growth mindset. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, something you must never forget is to not dwell in your depression. Although it may feel more comfortable and comforting to wallow in a dream-like state, things will begin to catch up. Your health will deteriorate and will not even be able to facilitate the life being lived. Rent and taxes are unavoidable, and this is an extreme form of escapism that is only beneficial in the short term. It may be beneficial to have this period of depression, as it is a crucial form of emotional release; you may feel a sense of peace, a detachment from the extreme emotions felt prior. However, this peace can quickly turn into an addiction and fear of breaking the cycle.
The growth mindset
Although depression stemming from traumatic grief may often feel comforting, this is only a false sense of comfort, and this is the most important point to keep in mind. What would be best for you, both physically and mentally, would be to take the leap of faith and step out of your comfort zone? Begin making small changes, one step at a time. Clean your desk one day, then move on to the bed. Draw back your curtains to let in some sunlight and open your windows for ventilation after so long.
It is never too late to start getting a hold of your life again; there is no time limit to when you can find yourself wanting to integrate back into society. Everyone moves at their own pace, and there is no right speed at which you choose to recover from grief. Take as much time as you need, but make sure you are not falling back into your old habits. This is the fundamental basis from which the growth mindset stems from: take steps, as small as you wish for them to be, forward, but make sure you are not going backward.
We are not perfect, so there will be relapses and slippages, but what is important is to recognize these instances for what they are, and recover.
The powerful winds of change
Although grief is something no one wishes to experience, it is powerful if recovered from. Grief changes your perspective of life, opening your eyes to a whole new reality and appreciation for what you have.
A long and tenacious period of grieving invites introspection, allowing you to be more in touch with yourself. You may learn the ways in which you tend to deal with traumatic incidents, and what they might mean for you. You may learn that harmful substances are extremely appealing to you during these periods, and learn to avoid this or fix this in the future.
You will almost definitely learn not to take what you have for granted. You may learn to appreciate your loved ones more, as you never know when life may take a sudden turn. During arguments, this may develop into a completely new perspective. You may even learn to appreciate your own life more; we often take our lives for granted, but the initial shock of grief paints a clear picture that anything can happen to any of us.
Finally, you will realize your own strength. When looking back, you may find yourself acknowledging the significant amount of strength it took to pull yourself out of your depressive stupor. By accepting the hurt, developing that mindset, following through with the entire transition, and finally coming up on the other side, you will recognize how strong you really are. This strength is not only beneficial to yourself but to others going through rough times as well.
Conclusion
To wrap up all the thoughts in this blog, it should be acknowledged that grief, heartache, and loss are almost unavoidable in all of our lives. However, we must be aware that good can come out of bad. It is up to you to take the reins of your life and make the changes needed. It may feel daunting or even impossible, but it is possible.
Sources
Stanaway, Caitlin. “The Stages of Grief” University of Washington, 8 Jun. 2020, https://www.washington.edu/counseling/2020/06/08/the-stages-of-grief-accepting-the-unacceptable/
Mayo Clinic. “What is grief?” Mayo Clinic, 19 Oct. 2016, https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief
Martinez, Gabe. “How Pain, Heartache, and Loss Can Make You Better” Possibility Change, 11 July 2022, https://possibilitychange.com/how-pain-heartache-and-loss-can-make-you-better/
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